"funny how?"
Happy Friday Edition
quotes:
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.Jack Nicholson
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.Billy Crystal
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.Steve Martin
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.George Burns
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.Mitch Hedburg
You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.Albert Einstein
In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.Homer Simpson
It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!Annonymous
He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!Family Guy
Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!Annonymous
A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!Annonymous
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!Rodney Dangerfield
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.Hunter S. Thompson
Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?Eric Cartman
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.Will Rogers
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.Albert Einstein
I just thought of something funny...your mother.Cheech Marin
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.Peter O'Toole.
Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.Charlie Chaplin
I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.Mel Brooks
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.Joe E Lewis
I can resist everything except temptation.Oscar Wilde
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.Pablo Picasso
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.Dennis Ritchie
Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.Mitch Hedberg
There are no good ways to die.Chick McGee
If you die, and you're in debt, you win.Ben Creed
If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.Matt Damon, Rounders
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.Colette
You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.Al Capone
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.Mel Brooks
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.Dave Edison
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.Steve Martin
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.Jim Carrey
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.George Carlin
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!Jimmy Buffet
If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.Albert Einstein
oke
Dear Alcohol,First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 am. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan