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quotes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Jack Nicholson

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

George Burns

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedburg

You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.

Albert Einstein

In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.

Homer Simpson

It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!

Annonymous

He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!

Family Guy

Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!

Annonymous

A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!

Annonymous

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

Rodney Dangerfield

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

Hunter S. Thompson

Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?

Eric Cartman

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Albert Einstein

I just thought of something funny...your mother.

Cheech Marin

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Peter O'Toole.

Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?

H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Charlie Chaplin

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

Mel Brooks

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Joe E Lewis

I can resist everything except temptation.

Oscar Wilde

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Pablo Picasso

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Dennis Ritchie

Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.

Mitch Hedberg

There are no good ways to die.

Chick McGee

If you die, and you're in debt, you win.

Ben Creed

If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.

Matt Damon, Rounders

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Colette

You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.

Al Capone

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

Steve Martin

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Jim Carrey

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

George Carlin

If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!

Jimmy Buffet

If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.

Albert Einstein

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April 23, 2024

of the day history

There are 591 Jokes and counting ... Enjoy!

Page: [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10][11][12][13][14][15][16][17][18][19][20]

oke

Q - What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
A - BINGO.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/02/2005

oke

A blonde was driving to the store when she seen a guy with 2 monkeys. She pulled over and asked if he needs help.
"Yes I do. My car broke down and I need to get these monkeys to the zoo. If I give you $50 will you please take these monkeys to the zoo for me?" He told her.
"Sure," she replied. So she put the monkeys in her car and drove off.
When the guy got his car fixed he started driving torwards the zoo when he came across the same blonde walking down the streets holding the monkeys hands.
"Hey I paid you $50 to take them to the zoo," he told her when he pulled up beside her.
"We did go to the zoo. But we had money left over so now we are going to the movies," she repled.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/01/2005

oke

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you" look, and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store. The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself--"What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! "
Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE--during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college--perhaps he did father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the gir! I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/30/2005

oke

"I had trouble getting here today, my best friend put a bomb in my car. When it went off, I guess I was hurt more than anything else!"

comment - Unknown

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/29/2005

oke

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down.....by David
Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with
Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 06/28/2005

oke

"How much fame, money, and power does a woman have to achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face?"

comment P.J. O'Rourke

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/27/2005

oke

Q: What do you call an eternity
A: Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/26/2005

oke

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

comment Who does this sound like?

submit Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 06/25/2005

oke

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

submit Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 06/24/2005

oke

"When I got home today I was pretty upset, I just found out that my wifes sister has been cheating on me!"

comment - Unknown

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/23/2005

oke

Now that the trial is over Michael Jackson has been talking about going to Africa, the mother land, to see what it's like over there. He is not sure what countries he will travel to, but said he would probably go to Chad. He said he has always wanted to be in chad.

submit Submitted by Trigger, Aired on 06/22/2005

oke

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday. I sat down for breakfast with my family, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday!" and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone happy birthday. I thought, well, that's just great, maybe the children will remember.

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss, happy birthday!" And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day . Let's go!"

We went to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment"

After arriving at her apartment, she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure!" I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about five minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed by my wife, my children and a dozen of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there.

On the couch.

Naked.

comment I was told to submit this here. I hope it's the right place. Oh dear lord I hope Tiny Tim so.

Chicken says "Buk!"

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 06/21/2005

oke

"I am getting tired of police questioning the neighbors of serial killers! They always same the same **** thing: "I cant believe it, he seemed so nice". Of course he seemed nice, thats how he SERIAL killed! If he looked like a homicidal maniac he would not have gotten away with it."

comment Some guy on the Bob and Tom show this morning. He was responding to the man that came through customs from Canada, with a -- Get This -- chainsaw covered in blood and a hand made sword!

Now they have him in custody in connection with a couple people brutally murdered in Canada. Something tells me that he aint innocent. Just a hunch I guess.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/10/2005

oke

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a ******* on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/09/2005

oke

"Hey, you wanna go make your parents proud. How about a three way? You, me and some of this pork."

- Donny Baker

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/08/2005

oke

"Kobe Bryant said he'd give $1000 to the Tsunami victims for every point he scored. How'd you like to be the guy playing defense on him that night."

- Auggie Smith

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/07/2005

oke

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/06/2005

oke

Q. What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A. You can unscrew a lightbulb.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/05/2005

oke

There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop. Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/04/2005

oke

Why don't you slip into something comfortable…like a coma.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/03/2005

oke

Can someone please explain to me the point of circulating cards around the office. Does anyone on this planet actually enjoy giving or receiving these **** things?

I can't go 2 hours without someone handing off a card to me. "Hey Zack, it's weekly card signing time...lol" and after I swallow some vomit in response to hand off chicks attempt at humor, I get to fake read a cheezy card and sometimes I even have to fake snicker at it <cringe> because hand off chick is still standing right there waiting for my reaction. Then, I get to add my name to the exciting list of names of people who could care less about this person.

Why don't they just make a huge stamp of all our signatures and call it good? Better yet, why don't they just write "from all of us at the office". I mean, are there people out there that actually read all the names and keep a tally. "ok, susy signed it ... check ... zack signed it and wrote DIE ***** ... tehehe that zack ... check.

I'm signing birthday, wedding, anniversary, retirement, new baby, promotion, new car, new house, new hair cut, get well soons ... ENOUGH ALREADY!

I say no more **** cards in the office...I've had it! Next time someone comes up to me with a card or anything that even remotely resembles a card, I'm gonna chew there ******* arm off and sign my name with it. Course then, I'd just have to sign another **** Get Well Soon card. It never ends!

Am I alone on this?

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/02/2005

oke

Two lawyers were walking down the street when they saw a beautiful blonde. The first one said, "How'd you like to screw that?" The second one said,"Out of what?"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 06/01/2005

oke

Some great ways to annoy people at work...

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3. Insist that your e-mail address be xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or elvis-the-king@companyname.com.

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'

7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours"

10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13. Don't use any punctuation

14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15. Ask people what sex they are.

16. Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

22. Five days in advance tell your co-workers you can't attend the social event because you're not in the mood.

23. Pretend your phone is a CB when talking with clients.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/31/2005

oke

A man is in court for murder and the judge says, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

Then a voice at the back of the court says, "You *******."

The judge continues, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer."

Again the voice at the back of the court says, "You *******."

The judge says, "Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! What is the problem?"

The man at the back of the court says, "Fifteen years I lived next door to that ******* and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/30/2005

oke

An Old farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on the door and a very pretty young lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked "would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said "yes" and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said "yes" and another tear came from the other eye.

The lady then opened the bottom of her negligee and asked "are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said "yes" and broke down crying.

The lady said "what in the world is wrong with you?"

Drying his eyes he said, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my cotton and now, I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/29/2005

oke

Newsweek had to retract a report about the Koran. The article caused
violent anti-U.S. rioting in Muslim countries. And that's too bad because
up until now they really loved us (Conan O'Brien)

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 05/28/2005

oke

The following psychological test was developed by a think tank of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are incredibly accurate in describing your personality with one simple question:

Which is your favourite Teletubbie...

A. Yellow
B. Purple
C. Green
D. Red
---------------------

Profile for women...

A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful. People come to you when troubled because you always make them feel better about themselves. You are apt to clash with Red Teletubbie people!

B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are active and erratic. You have many ideas and set high standards for yourselves and others. Stay away from Green Teletubbie people, they tend to bring you down.

C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable. Family plays a major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to please others. Yellow Teletubbie people are a good match for you.

D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional. You are fierce in your opinions and quick to anger, but stick by your friends through thick and thin. Purple and Red Teletubbie people are an explosive combination.

Profile for men...

A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay.

B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are gay.

C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are gay.

D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are gay.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/27/2005

oke

A priest took a vacation to a fishing lodge.

On the last day of his trip, he hooked a monster fish and began fighting it.

A few minutes later the guide, holding a landing net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a *********

"Please, my son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for."

"No, Father, you don't understand" explained the guide, "That's the species of fish you have on; it's called a 'Son of a ******* fish!"

"Really?" asked the surprised priest, "Well then, would you please net the Son of a *********

Once the fish was aboard, the guide marveled at its size."Father, that's the biggest Son of a ***** I've ever seen!"

"It really IS a big Son of a ******** the priest beamed, "What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. I promise, you've never tasted anything as good as one of these Sons of ***********

Elated, the priest headed home. While unloading his fishing tackle and prize catch at the church's back door, Sister Mary appeared and inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this huge Son of a ***** I caught!" the priest gushed, opening his ice chest.

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father, such language from a priest!"

"It's Okay, Sister. According to my guide, that's the species of fish this one is: it's called a Son of a ***** fish."

"Oh, well then...what are you going to do with that huge Son of a *********

Eat it! My guide said they're great!"

Sister Mary then informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days. "Why don't I clean that Son of a ***** for you, and we'll cook it for this special occasion", she volunteered.

On the night of the Pope's visit, everything went perfectly. The wine was fine, the fish excellent. The Pope leaned back from his plate and said, "This is absolutely marvelous fish, where did you buy it?"

"We didn't buy it, Your Holiness; I caught that Son of a ********* proclaimed the proud priest.

The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned and cooked the Son of a ********** exclaimed the Sister.

The Pope looked silently at each of them.

Glancing around the dining room, he saw they were alone. A big grin spread across his face as he leaned across the table and whispered, "Go get us some more wine... You motherf--kers are my kind of people!"

submit Submitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 05/26/2005

oke

Watsom and Holmes go camping and set up their tent and go to sleep. Two hours later, Holmes goes "Watson, what do you see?"
Watson says "I see millions and millions of stars"
"And what do you deduce from that?"
"I imagine each star has planets around it just like our own, with a chance of life on each one."
Holmes exclaims, "Watson, you fool, someone has stolen our tent."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/25/2005

oke

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 05/24/2005

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