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quotes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Jack Nicholson

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

George Burns

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedburg

You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.

Albert Einstein

In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.

Homer Simpson

It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!

Annonymous

He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!

Family Guy

Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!

Annonymous

A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!

Annonymous

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

Rodney Dangerfield

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

Hunter S. Thompson

Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?

Eric Cartman

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Albert Einstein

I just thought of something funny...your mother.

Cheech Marin

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Peter O'Toole.

Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?

H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Charlie Chaplin

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

Mel Brooks

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Joe E Lewis

I can resist everything except temptation.

Oscar Wilde

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Pablo Picasso

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Dennis Ritchie

Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.

Mitch Hedberg

There are no good ways to die.

Chick McGee

If you die, and you're in debt, you win.

Ben Creed

If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.

Matt Damon, Rounders

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Colette

You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.

Al Capone

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

Steve Martin

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Jim Carrey

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

George Carlin

If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!

Jimmy Buffet

If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.

Albert Einstein

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April 25, 2024

of the day history

There are 591 Jokes and counting ... Enjoy!

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oke

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.

The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."

The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"

Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"

She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"

She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"

The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You''ve just got a broken index finger."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/03/2005

oke

Bubba and Bobby Joe rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. Bubba said to Bobby Joe,

"Mark this here spot so that we can come back right here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the Bubba asked Bobby Joe, "Bobby Joe, did you mark that there spot like ah tole ya?"

His friend replied, "Shore nuff, I put a big ole 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

"You stupid fool! Now, what we gonna do if we don't get that same boat today?!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/02/2005

oke

A man walks into a bar sits down and say, "Bartender, got any specials
today?"

Bartender says, "Yes, we have mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka."

Man says, "Damn, what the hell is that?"

Bartender says, "Well we call it a 'Pabst Smir'!"

comment Tiff oughta like this one!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 08/01/2005

oke

A young couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at a rattlesnake farm they discovered along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

"Gosh!" exclaimed the young woman. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"

"Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler.

"Well," she continued, "what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"

"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make cut across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."

"What, uh...what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.

"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."

comment Good luck with that buddy!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/31/2005

oke

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/30/2005

oke

Q. How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. None, that's a hardware problem.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/29/2005

oke

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

comment Don't talk to my parrot!!

submit Submitted by Trigger, Aired on 07/28/2005

oke

It was a terribly hot summer for Humpty Dumpty...

(here it comes)

...but he had a great fall!

(zing)

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/27/2005

oke

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidently said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh and she socked me one."

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pass the syrup, but it came out: You ruined my life, you crazy bitch."

comment Ah, the classics!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/26/2005

oke

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.

This is message is published by an American,
using Bill Gate's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/25/2005

oke

"But let me tell you, that to approach the stranger
Is to invite the unexpected, release a new force,
Or let the genie out of the bottle.
It is to start a train of events
Beyond your control."
-T. S. Eliot, "The Cocktail Party"

comment Now Back To Your Wall Mr. Wallflower!

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 07/24/2005

oke

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. But," said the Scotsman,"I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister, twice."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/23/2005

oke

Q. What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?

A. Their middle names

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/22/2005

oke

One day, Jim and Ed were on the job with the Public Works Department. Jim would dig a hole and Ed would follow behind, filling in the hole. Up and down the street they went, block after block, with Jim digging a hole and Ed immediately filling it in. Finally a local resident, after watching Jim and Ed do this in front of her house, asked Jim what was going on. "Oh, I know it looks funny," Jim said, "but you see, the guy who plants the trees called in sick today."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/21/2005

oke

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/20/2005

oke

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/19/2005

oke

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, began to moan and, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, squealed, then shuddered violently once more. The man became concerned thinking that the Assuming that the woman was becoming seriously ill. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again, wiped her nose and began to shake once again even more than before. With this, the concerned gentlemen rang for the flight attendant and explained that he feared that his fellow passenger was possibly very ill. The pretty young flight attendant approached the woman and asked "Are you OK?
The woman replied "I am sorry if I caused any disruption but I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The gentlemen passenger was astonished and said " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes," the woman said . "Pepper."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/18/2005

oke

"After equality, wage parity, [and] liberation...Women still can't do the following: Start barbeque fires; hook up a stereo; shine shoes; anything on a roof; decide where to hang a picture; investigate mysterious house noises at night; kill and dispose of large insects; walk past a mirror without stopping to look."

comment P.J. O'Rourke

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/15/2005

oke

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident off the coast of San Diego, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to have to tell you this, sir, but we have some information regarding your wife," said one of the officers.
"Well, tell me!" the man pleaded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the husband said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in thirty feet of water, just off the coast."
"Oh, my God!" said the husband, overcome by emotion. Then remembering what the policeman said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled her up, she had five lobsters clinging to her."
"If that's the good news, what's the great news?" asked the husband.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/14/2005

oke

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho Cheese!!!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/13/2005

oke

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

- You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.
- There is chaos all around you, caused by a hurricane, with severe flooding.
- This is a flood of biblical proportions.
- You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
- The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
- There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
- Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
- Suddenly you see a woman in the water.
- She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
- You move closer. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton!
- At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.
- You have two options - you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

comment I think I would go with black and white, it gives it more of a classic feel.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/12/2005

oke

"There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner."

comment P.J. O'Rourke

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/11/2005

oke

"Feminism seems to be a case of women having won a leg-wrestling match with their own other leg. There is only one thing for men to do in response to this confusing situation, which is the same thing men have always done, which is anything women want."

comment P.J. O'Rourke

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/10/2005

oke

A Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian are out riding horses.

The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a long drink, then another and suddenly throws it into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in midair.

The Californian looks at him and says, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"

The Texan says, "In Texas, there is plenty of whiskey and the bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of wine, takes a few sips, throws the bottle into the air, pulls
out his gun and shoots it in midair.

The Oregonian can't believe his eyes, "What the heck did you do that for? That was a perfectly good bottle of wine!"

The Californian says, "In California, we have plenty of wine and bottles are cheap."

So, awhile later, the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of Widmer Hefeweizen. He opens it, takes a sip, and then chugs the whole bottle. He then puts the bottle in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, and shoots the Californian.

The Texan, shocked, says, "Why the hell did you do that?!"

The Oregonian replies, "In Oregon, we have plenty of Californians and the bottles are worth a nickel."

submit Submitted by Trigger, Aired on 07/09/2005

oke

"Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed."

comment P.J. O'Rourke

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/08/2005

oke

"Dates used to be made days or even weeks in advance. Now dates tend to be made the day after. That is, you get a phone call from someone who says, 'If anyone asks, I was out to dinner with you last night, okay?'"

comment P.J. O'Rourke

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/07/2005

oke

Life is all about ass. You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or you live with one!!!

comment AMEN

submit Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 07/06/2005

oke

"Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system."

comment P.J. O'Rourke

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/05/2005

oke

"There is no way to make vomiting courteous. You have to do the next best thing, which is to vomit in such a way that the story you tell about it later will be amusing."

comment P.J. O'Rourke

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/04/2005

oke

A man walks into a dentist's office, the dentist asks him "How can I help you?"
The man replies "I think I'm a moth."
"Well you need to see a psychiatrist, not a dentist."
"I know that" the man replies.
"Then why did you come in here?"
"The light was on."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 07/03/2005

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