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quotes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Jack Nicholson

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

George Burns

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedburg

You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.

Albert Einstein

In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.

Homer Simpson

It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!

Annonymous

He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!

Family Guy

Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!

Annonymous

A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!

Annonymous

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

Rodney Dangerfield

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

Hunter S. Thompson

Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?

Eric Cartman

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Albert Einstein

I just thought of something funny...your mother.

Cheech Marin

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Peter O'Toole.

Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?

H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Charlie Chaplin

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

Mel Brooks

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Joe E Lewis

I can resist everything except temptation.

Oscar Wilde

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Pablo Picasso

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Dennis Ritchie

Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.

Mitch Hedberg

There are no good ways to die.

Chick McGee

If you die, and you're in debt, you win.

Ben Creed

If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.

Matt Damon, Rounders

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Colette

You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.

Al Capone

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

Steve Martin

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Jim Carrey

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

George Carlin

If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!

Jimmy Buffet

If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.

Albert Einstein

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April 19, 2024

of the day history

There are 591 Jokes and counting ... Enjoy!

Page: [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10][11][12][13][14][15][16][17][18][19][20]

oke

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/05/2005

oke

A social misfit walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well I'll tell you," replies the ugly bloke. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young
woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"

"Fantastic," exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"

"I dunno, I never found her head."

submit Submitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 10/04/2005

oke

[b]Top Ten Least Popular Self-Help Books[/b]

10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire"

9. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell

8. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair"

7. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's Room"

6. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow"

5. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook"

4. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula"

3. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You"

2. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village"

1. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/03/2005

oke

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath eve, announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several new car dealerships, stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregations sighs with appreciation and applauds. Sam Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!" More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Goldfarb, age 80, stands, and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I'll give him sex!" There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's husband is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand.
Sadie answers, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Rabbi.'"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/02/2005

oke

One night, as he finished his last beer, Joe's doorbell rang. He answered the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, the doorbell rang, and he found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left. The same thing happened the next night. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much," the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

comment Har dee har har. You know, that joke had so much going for it til the end came along to slap you in the face for almost laughing.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/01/2005

oke

[b]You Work for the Government When...[/b]

* The process becomes more important than the product

* You don''t see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about

* You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there

* You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.

* You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money

* You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym

* You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms

* You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance. (1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor (2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention

* You''ve sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/30/2005

oke

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/29/2005

oke

Pedro was driving down the street in a panic because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/28/2005

oke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.
The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, " Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/27/2005

oke

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/26/2005

oke

The Rambo Granny of Melbourne, Australia

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne ( Australia) police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:

'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row.

"When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one."

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled.

So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know.

Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal.

DEPORT HER TO AMERICA -- WE NEED HER!!!

comment funny email I recieved today. We need more people like her!

submit Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 09/25/2005

oke

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

submit Submitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 09/23/2005

oke

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.? It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/22/2005

oke

A man goes hunting and shoots a duck. When he comes home to his wife he says "Take a look at this pig I've been screwen." His wife reply's "That's not a pig it's a duck." The husband turns towards the woman and says "I was talking to the duck."

submit Submitted by ty, Aired on 09/21/2005

oke

> The Lawyer and a Texas Deputy Sheriff
>
>A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
>Texas Deputy Sheriff.
>
>He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because
>he is sure that he has a better education. He decides
>to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
>deputies expense...
>Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
>
>Lawyer says, "What for?"
>
>Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at
>the stop sign."
>
>Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
>
>Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete
>stop. License and registration, please."
>
>Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
>
>Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a
>complete stop, that's the law. License and
>registration, please!"
>
>Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference
>between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license
>and registration and you give me the ticket, if not
>you let me go and no ticket."
>
>Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
>
>At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and
>starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer
>and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

submit Submitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 09/20/2005

oke

A man entered his favorite restaurant and sat at his regular table. After looking around, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He motioned the waiter over and asked him to send their most expensive bottle of Merlot over to the woman,knowing that if she accepted the bottle, she
would be his.The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second,not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man.
The waiter, who was lingering for a response took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants".
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/19/2005

oke

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/15/2005

oke

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he
realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout
girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked,
"What size condoms?"

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his
pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him
and called over the intercom,

"One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was
up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker
that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some
brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that
he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.

He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said,
"One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was
way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live
female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he
told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said
he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over
the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and
said...

"Cleanup, Register 5."

submit Submitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 09/14/2005

oke

"...how much do you need TV to be available in convenient form? It already is convenient - we have the DVR. Do you need TV on your watch as you walk from your cell phone to your BlackBerry? At what point do we get saturated enough to say, "OK, I get it! We can get anything we want at any time! Let's go sit around a large table and eat a meal in silence"? Sometimes this shit's just overkill."

comment - John Stewart

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/13/2005

oke

An elderly man lay dying in his bed when he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered enough strength to get out of bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom.
With even greater effort, he forced his bony fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of sugar cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, his parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
His aged and withered hand shakingly made its way toward a cookie at the edge of the table, when suddenly it was smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," his wife said. "They're for the funeral!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/12/2005

oke

An older married couple was sitting on their porch swing one afternoon. Suddenly, the old woman hauls off and slaps the old man's face nearly knocking him out of the swing.
He said, "What was that for???"
She replied, "For being a lousy lover for 45 years!!"
He sat quietly for a moment and then suddenly slapped the old woman nearly knocking her out of the porch swing.
The old woman said, "What was THAT for?"
The old man replied, "That is for knowing the DIFFERENCE!!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/11/2005

oke

Here's a good pickup line...

"My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/10/2005

oke

"The Stork"

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby stork is crying and crying, and father stork is trying to calm him, "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, son is crying, and mother is saying, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork parents are desperate. Their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns, and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

Says the baby stork, "Nowhere in particular. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/09/2005

oke

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

submit Submitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 09/08/2005

oke

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/07/2005

oke

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St Peter." Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man. God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family.Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/06/2005

oke

Two firefighters are going at it in a smoke filled room.

The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!"

The Firefighter says "well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation."

The Chief says "why didn't you give him mouth to mouth"

The Firefighter says "How do you think this shit got started?"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/05/2005

oke

There was a group of people standing around talking about how stupid blondes are.

There was a blonde female in the group and she was really offended, so she told them that they were being unfair and she told them that she is really smart,and blonde too.

So they asked her if she knew all the states and capitols, and she said, yes of course. So they asked what the capitol of Wisconsin was...

...and the blonde said, "W"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/04/2005

oke

Being a man definitely has its perks...

1. Your backside is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from having an elicit affair.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a hoot if no one notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work .. more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the time.

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

27. No maxi-pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

32. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

36. Christmas shopping can be done for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 15 minutes.

37. The world is your urinal.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/03/2005

oke

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird. "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!" So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. "Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 09/02/2005

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