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quotes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Jack Nicholson

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

George Burns

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedburg

You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.

Albert Einstein

In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.

Homer Simpson

It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!

Annonymous

He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!

Family Guy

Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!

Annonymous

A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!

Annonymous

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

Rodney Dangerfield

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

Hunter S. Thompson

Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?

Eric Cartman

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Albert Einstein

I just thought of something funny...your mother.

Cheech Marin

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Peter O'Toole.

Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?

H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Charlie Chaplin

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

Mel Brooks

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Joe E Lewis

I can resist everything except temptation.

Oscar Wilde

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Pablo Picasso

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Dennis Ritchie

Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.

Mitch Hedberg

There are no good ways to die.

Chick McGee

If you die, and you're in debt, you win.

Ben Creed

If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.

Matt Damon, Rounders

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Colette

You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.

Al Capone

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

Steve Martin

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Jim Carrey

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

George Carlin

If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!

Jimmy Buffet

If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.

Albert Einstein

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April 23, 2024

of the day history

There are 591 Jokes and counting ... Enjoy!

Page: [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10][11][12][13][14][15][16][17][18][19][20]

oke

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

submit Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 01/04/2005

oke

Dear Dogbert,

My parents are always calling me to come over and fix their computer. I live an hour away, and this is getting annoying. What should I do?

Lawrence

Dear Lowrents,

Get an unlisted phone number and only communicate with your parents by e-mail. That way, when their computer doesn't work, they won't be able to ask you to fix it. Also, consider changing your name and living as a hobo. No one ever asks a hobo for tech support.

Sincerely,
Dogbert

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 01/03/2005

oke

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky &West Virginia)

submit Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 01/02/2005

oke

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?" The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/31/2004

oke

No Nativity Scene in DC:

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas.This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason; they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capital. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 12/28/2004

oke

Dear Dogbert,

I want to invite my boss over for dinner, but my wife is a terrible housekeeper. I like a neat, clean house, but her packrat tendencies are so bad that we have to forge a path through the junk. Any suggestions?

John

Dear Jaundice,

Tell your wife that you bought her a diamond tennis bracelet and it's hidden beneath one of the piles. After she cleans the entire house looking for it, say, "Just kidding!" Then note the amusing look on her face and say, "I wish I had a camera! Ha ha!" Then hire a food taster because your odds of getting poisoned will be somewhat higher.

Sincerely,
Dogbert

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/27/2004

oke

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

submit Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 12/23/2004

oke

Dear Dogbert,

After saying hello to a coworker in the hall for the first time of the day, how am I to handle seeing him in the hall on successive occasions? Should I say hello again? Should I ignore him?

Micah

Dear Formica,

Try making a dopey face and saying too loudly, "WE'VE GOT TO STOP MEETING LIKE THIS! HA HA HA HA!!!" Eventually, your coworkers will learn to avoid going near you.

Sincerely,
Dogbert

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/22/2004

oke

Beer's great. Beer's a kick.
I like to drink beer 'til I get sick.
I drink Beer 'til I fall on the floor,
Then I crawl to the fridge and I drink some more.
I try to drink Beer 'til I think I'm dyin'
But I never do so I just keep tryin'.
Maybe one day I'll quit drinking Beer...
...But probably not.

Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Light, Heineken
Tell me it's Beer and I'll drink just about anything.
A few cans of Keystone and I lose track of time.
I'd walk a hundred miles for Corona with lime.
I never turn down a Beer when it's offered
'Cause Beer makes ugly girls look like Cindy Crawford.
Orange Juice has Vitamin C, Milk does the body good
But Beer gets you drunk

Now I like liquor, and I like wine.
But my watch says it's Miller Time.
Barley, Hops, and Yeast fermented.
Bring me a beer and I'll be contented.
In a can, or from the tap
Or in a bottle with a cap
Early in the morning or late at night
I never drank a beer that I didn't like.

Beer's great, Beer's a kick.
I like to drink Beer 'til I get sick.
Beer makes you have to go pee.
And Beer nearly cost me my college degree.
They say Beer can give you a gut.
Well so what! They can kiss my butt!
I don't think I'll ever quit drinking beer.
'Cause Beer is great!

submit Submitted by Joseph, Aired on 12/21/2004

oke

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

submit Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 12/19/2004

oke

Dowsing the suspicion that Life is meaningless is the key to finding true happiness. Find your own personal meaning and you will find Enlightenment.

comment I just made that up. What do you think?

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 12/18/2004

oke

Dear Dogbert,

There is a cute guy working in the cubicle near mine, how can I get him to ask me out?

Thanks
Maj

Dear Madcow,

I personally know the guy that sits next to you, and he says he isn't the least bit interested. But don't feel bad, because it isn't you; it's him not liking your looks and your personality.

Sincerely,
Dogbert

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/17/2004

oke

Quoting the Mentally Challenged

"I don't want anybody stepping on anybody else's thunder."

"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"

"I'm thinking in my brain."

"What is that disease where if someone loses a lot of blood they just die?"

"Clean as a baby's bottom."

"I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but..."

"She has not seen one red dime from him."

"I used to be as sharp as a button."

"That'll put the monkey in your court."

"We don't want this project to snowball into a can of worms."

"… up the creek in a hand bag."

"It's best not to open that can of wax."

"Let's pair up into threes."

"I just thought myself into a corner."

"We really need to hang on to our coattails to ride the waves of change."

"That way I can kill two bricks with one stone."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/16/2004

oke

Cat's outta the Bag :

J$ secret #412 - Cheerios make a great substitute for crutons on salad.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 12/15/2004

oke

For the Dilbert Fans out there...

Dear Dogbert

How can I fashion a time machine so I can use it to go back in time and prevent myself from ever building a time machine?

Buttons

Dear Buttocks,

I will give you the answer to that question yesterday.

Sincerely,
Dogbert

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/14/2004

oke

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm and says "This is the pig I've been shagging".
His wife says "that's not a pig it's a duck!"
The man says "I was talking to the duck!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/13/2004

oke

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

submit Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 12/12/2004

oke

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

submit Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 12/11/2004

oke

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

comment maybe this would be a great business opportunity for someone! haha!

submit Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 12/10/2004

oke

I got nothin! Please submit jokes if you know any good ones.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/09/2004

oke

philosophy I learned in the military that kinda makes sense:

Worst case scenario I die. And if I die - it doesn't really matter anymore does it. So there is really no reason to be afraid of anything.

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 12/08/2004

oke

Your chest is so flat, the walls are getting jealous.

comment Ha! That one killed in the 7th grade!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/07/2004

oke

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, ''Why did you do that?''

The man replies, "Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/06/2004

oke

A salesman''s car breaks down in the pouring rain outside a farmhouse.

The salesman bangs on the farmhouse door.
The next morning, the farmer''s daughter wakes up to find her father in bed with the salesman. She shoots them both and takes off in the salesman''s car.

She assumes the salesman''s identity and meets all of his quotas.

comment Alrighty then

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/05/2004

oke

There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging of a rope 100 stories high. They had decided that one of them had to get off.

They argued and argued and finally the brunette said ''I'll go.''

The brunette made a touching speech and all the blondes clapped.

comment Clearly I'm running out of Jokes!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/04/2004

oke

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?

It has two bytes and no memory.

comment Two bytes and no memory, oh man thats funny.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/03/2004

oke

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/02/2004

oke

Yo mama is so poor, she strips at Chuckie Cheese for tokens.

comment burn

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 12/01/2004

oke

Pink Floyd - Time

Ticking away the moments that make up the dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find that ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or a half page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in a quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone the song is over, thought i'd something more to say

comment cool lyrics

submit Submitted by J$, Aired on 11/30/2004

oke

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/29/2004

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