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quotes:

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Jack Nicholson

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

George Burns

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl that would get really pissed if she heard me say that.

Mitch Hedburg

You cannot outthink someone who isn't thinking.

Albert Einstein

In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.

Homer Simpson

It's better to be pissed off, then pissed on!

Annonymous

He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was the one making me do it!

Family Guy

Even a fish could stay out of trouble if it kept it's mouth shut!

Annonymous

A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body!

Annonymous

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

Rodney Dangerfield

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

Hunter S. Thompson

Is it possible to see something so funny, that it ruins your sense of humor forever?

Eric Cartman

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Albert Einstein

I just thought of something funny...your mother.

Cheech Marin

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Peter O'Toole.

Who the [heck] wants to hear actors talk?

H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Charlie Chaplin

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

Mel Brooks

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Joe E Lewis

I can resist everything except temptation.

Oscar Wilde

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Pablo Picasso

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Dennis Ritchie

Drinking for an entertainer is like stretching for an athlete.

Mitch Hedberg

There are no good ways to die.

Chick McGee

If you die, and you're in debt, you win.

Ben Creed

If you can't spot the sucker at your table in the first thirty minutes, you are the sucker.

Matt Damon, Rounders

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Colette

You can go along way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.

Al Capone

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

Steve Martin

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Jim Carrey

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

George Carlin

If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!

Jimmy Buffet

If you dedicate yourself to learning about your subject for 15 minutes a day, in a year's time you'll be an expert. In five years, you'll be a national expert. The only hard part is choosing your subject.

Albert Einstein

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April 19, 2024

of the day history

There are 591 Jokes and counting ... Enjoy!

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oke

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were hoping to goodness you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months: "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

--From Bill Maher's "Real Time show.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/16/2005

oke

> I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
> the
> currency exchange window at the local bank. I chose the shortest
> line...just one guy ahead of me.
>
> He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars, and
> he was a
> little agitated.
>
> He asked the teller, "Why it change ? Yesterday I get two hunat
> dolla fo
> yen, Today I get hunat eighty?"
>
> The teller says, "Fluctuations."
>
> The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys, too!!

submit Submitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 11/15/2005

oke

My girlfriend just got a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of here thigh, and if you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/12/2005

oke

Two hunters went deer hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female deer costume and learned the mating call of a female deer. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the buck, then come out of the costume and shoot the buck. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the deer love call. Before long, their call was answered as a huge buck came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the buck was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/04/2005

oke

Marion Barry was the mayor of Washington D.C. from 1979 to 1991. His term ended abruptly when the FBI, acting on a tip, got video of Barry using crack cocaine. Indeed, that led to one of his most famous quotes: "Goddamn bitch set me up!"

Here's some more after he was re-elected...

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? Would it!?!"

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/03/2005

oke

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The nosy neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung." I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses, stared directly into the face of the nosy old bitch, and calmly replied:
"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

submit Submitted by Trigger, Aired on 11/02/2005

oke

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No, said Johnny, but he minded his own freakin' business."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 11/01/2005

oke

"I love men, even though they're lyin', cheatin' scumbags" said Gwyneth Paltrow,in a USA Today interview.

submit Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 10/31/2005

oke

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

comment Elmo Phillips

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/29/2005

oke

A man ran through a crowded train looking very agitated, calling out, "Is there a Catholic priest on board?"

When he got no reply, he ran back up the train shouting, "Is there an Anglican priest on board?"

There was still no reply. By now becoming more desparate, he ran down the train shouting,

"How about a Rabbi? Is there a Rabbi on board?"

Eventually, a gentleman stood up and said, "Can I be of any assistance, my friend? I'm a Mormon bishop."

The man looked at him and said, "No, you wouldn't do at all."

The Mormon was a bit taken aback. "But why, good sir? I'm a Christian and experienced with all sorts of religious needs!"

"Because," the man said, a bit exasperated, "I need a corkscrew!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/28/2005

oke

A psychologist is speaking at a paranormal conference and asks her audience if anyone has ever seen a ghost. About 25% of those in attendance raise there hands. She then asks if anyone has ever been able to communicate with a ghost. This time fewer people respond. Her next question is whether anyone has had physical contact with a ghost, only 3 hands rise. Finally, the speaker asks if anyone has ever had a sexual experience with a ghost. The psychologist looks around the audience and at first, sees no response. Then in the back of the room a man slowly and shyly raises his hand. The speaker excitedly asks the man to come to the stage. In all of her presentations she has never had a person respond positively to this final question. She asks the man if he can tell a little of his experience. The man stands nervously at the podium saying nothing. Finally, the speaker again asks the man to tell of his experience with the ghost. The man, surprised, turns to the psychologist and said I'm sorry, I thought you said goat.

comment Not the greatest, I know! It aint easy finding funny halloween jokes people!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/27/2005

oke

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortalbe undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

comment Robert De Niro

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/26/2005

oke

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then management said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people: one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then management said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people: one to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then management said, "How are all these people going to get paid?" So they created positions for a timekeeper and a payroll officer, and hired two more people to fill them.

Then management said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then management said, "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $18,000 over budget. We have to cut back on overall costs."

So they laid off the night watchman.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/25/2005

oke

Three ducks walked into a bar...
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the
first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said
Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to
the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and
out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck
want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So,
you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes, "My name is
Puddles."

submit Submitted by Lakira76, Aired on 10/24/2005

oke

Microsoft-programmer are flying to the Comdex.
Suddenly a crane crashes into the cockpit.
The pilot prepares for an emergency-landing.
The programmers shout: "Fly on. Maybe nobody discovers it."

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/23/2005

oke

A bar tender has a regular customer that is a beautiful young lady. He sees her every day, however he can not approach her because every time he sees her he gets a boner. Finally one day he comes up with a solution. He tapes his manhood to the inside of his leg. When she got to the bar he finally asked her out, and she said yes. When he went to pick her up for the date, he once again had his manhood taped to the inside of his leg. She came to the door and she was wearing a very tight, short dress, and she was beautiful - more beautiful than she has ever looked before. So she approached him, and he kicked her in the head.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/22/2005

oke

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's nursing it the monkey runs wild: he jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what did that stupid shit do this time?" asks the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table," says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little shit because he's been driving me nuts," replies the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is nursing his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it," says the barkeeper. "Well, what did you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/21/2005

oke

Good Tip

If you are chocking on an ice cube don't panic. Simply pour a kettle of freshly boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage almost instantly removed.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/20/2005

oke

SUPERSEX

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly
man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

submit Submitted by Trigger, Aired on 10/19/2005

oke

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

submit Submitted by Trigger, Aired on 10/18/2005

oke

"It's too bad you can't do good things when you're "black-out drunk." You never hear, 'hey man, you were so wasted last night that you balanced my check book."
- Lee Levine

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/17/2005

oke

An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their
donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the
old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed
positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that
little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when
they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying, "How awful to put
such a load on a poor donkey."

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the
donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell
into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you may as well just kiss your ass goodbye.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/16/2005

oke

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused, then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/15/2005

oke

As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert:

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides". The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in unform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/13/2005

oke

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped
giving milk. The people did some research
and found they could buy a cow up in Texas for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Texas and the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time,
and the people were pleased and very
happy. They decided to acquire
a bull to mate with the cow and
produce more cows like it.
They would never have to worry about their
milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their
beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close
to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the
bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and
decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening.

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her
from the front, she backs off.
An approach from the side and she
walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked,
"Did you buy this cow in Texas?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had
never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Texas?"

The Vet replied with a distant look
in his eye, "My wife is from Texas"

submit Submitted by chettyboy7, Aired on 10/12/2005

oke

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him:
"Do you love your wife?"
"Yes I do, sir."
"Do you love your country?"
"Yes I do, sir."
"What do you love more, your wife or your country?"
"My country, sir."
"Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves.

The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!"

"The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/11/2005

oke

Q. What do you call a blond with a Chainsaw?

A. Dead.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/10/2005

oke

A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of Jack Daniels and slams them all down in a flash. He looks at the bartender and orders 3 more and does the same thing. By now the bartender is wondering what is wrong with this guy so he asks him what his problem is. The guy looks up and says " I don't have a problem, I'm celebrating my first blow job!"

The bartender looks with a smile and says," well that's just dandy, let me get the next one!"

"No thanks", says the guy, "if 6 shots won't wash the taste out, the 7th won't help either!!!"

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/08/2005

oke

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. "
Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic wand and - abracadabra -Two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife who is 30 years younger than me".
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra! - The husband became 92 years old.

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/07/2005

oke

What If Dr. Seuss was a Technical Writer? Here's an easy game to play.

Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?

What a shame sir!

We'll find you Another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

submit Submitted by ZackDaddy, Aired on 10/06/2005

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